Failure

DISCLAIMER:  See disclaimer from previous post. This post is much more nonsensical than the last. I just can't help the way my brain works! 

“ Failure is proof that you tried, now go try again.”

Failure is not a word I am comfortable with in relation to myself but I seem to know it really well. Failure seems like rock bottom. I have failed for ten years to lose weight, I have failed at two different jobs, I have failed at not racking up my credit card debt, I have failed to find a job I love or hell even dreams to follow, and saddest of all, I have failed at finding what makes me happy beyond Starbucks and a book.

I turn 26 in two weeks and ten years ago I thought for sure by now I would have the white picket fence, a job I love and I would be married with baby on the way or planning my wedding at the very least. Well, here I am. Single. Broke. Living with a roommate. Fail. Epic Fail. See, I told you failure and I are besties.

The simple truth is that I've never really had to think about what road to take, in the grand scheme of things. Growing up it was get good grades (well, at least a C+ in my case), get a job after school, go to college, work during college, get an internship, graduate college. All so that I could get the fabled "real world job." While I picked my after school and college jobs, and I picked my major (someone else rely should have made that decision for me), everything else wasn't really an option. I went to college because I had to, my parents demanded it, all my friends were doing it. It was what you did coming from a middle class family from my area. No ifs ands or buts. 

But now I pay $350+ a month in school loans with nothing to show for it. Sure I have my degree but I haven't done much with it. Handling those bills on top of my massive credit card debt is really what keeps me broke. I have failed at managing a budget. And currently with no job, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Hence my topic today, failure. 

I have included the wonderful Thomas Edison quote above because it is currently speaking to me. As I said, I dislike the word failure. It reminds me of all the bad stereotypes my parents warned me I would become if I didn't go to college. People always ask me want to do with my life and unfortunately I don't have a good answer. Just like the Thomas Edison quote so far I've found 10,000 things I don't want to do but I've yet to find the one that I do. Above I mentioned my love of Starbucks and books; my family has always suggested that I make books or movies my professional career. But I like to read books. I like to watch movies. Unfortunately I don't like to critique them in anyway shape or form. I just like to enjoy them, even if they're horrible. However, I've decided I want to open my own bookshop. I know the books are thing of the past in most people's eyes but I think that I could do something with it, make it special, make it mine. Then maybe all these ways that won't work, will finally turn into a success. 

Here's to hopin!

Alli

Fired, Again.

DISCLAIMER: My spelling and grammar are usually horrendous. I apologize in advance for the eye sore of mistakes below. I write very much stream of consciousness and hope its not too difficult to follow along!

Well what better way to start a blog than to share with you a low point in my life. On May 29th of this year I was fired for the second time in my short life of a quarter century. Unfortunately, it happened almost exactly two years to date from the first time I got fired and I had kept both jobs for the exact same amount of time. I didn't realize that at first but, God love my mother, she pointed it out. I noticed this later when I found an old draft of my portion of the family newsletter. More on that below.

The first time I was fired, it came as no surprise as both the organization and I knew it was not a good fit for about 6 months before we finally bit the bullet. The second time came as a complete shock. Short version: I was hurrying through my work on that fateful Memorial Day week, did some things I shouldn't have, got caught 15 minutes prior to when I was supposed to leave and was fired about 10 minutes later. My bosses stated that what I had done showed I was not a person of "integrity and character." To say the least that was a big blow to my self-esteem, and the fact that they called my character into question... Well I kind of wish we still had duels over honor but that rant is for another time. 

The first time I was fired, I applied for unemployment and received it. Thank goodness! The second time, I filed for unemployment and was denied due to "gross misconduct" and "wanton disregard for the employer's interests." My brilliant older sister, a lawyer, wrote a letter for me to appeal the decision and today was the appeal hearing. My parents and friends all told me to get mad and buck up but as the non-confrontational person that I am (unless you are family), I went back to being the silent girl who let herself get fired. [Side note: when I feel defensive or uncomfortable, I have three responses - off the charts crazy (again, reserved for family), I smile, or I shut down.] 

I was also told that since I had worked for such a large company someone from the HR department would probably be there for the hearing. But no, I was not so lucky. The two bosses who fired me were the representatives from my employer. Again, I shut down. Thankfully my nightmare of a huge courtroom with strange witnesses staring at me didn't happen. It was a small room with the mediator/judge, my two bosses, me and my moral support: my parents. The employer spoke, I cross examined, I spoke, they cross examined, and the judge asked questions. While I shook like a leaf in a hail storm with a wobbly voice, the judge was a wonderfully nice man and put me more at ease. As the burden of proof was on the employer and I don't feel they adequately proved anything beyond I made a few mistakes. I stayed cool, calm, and collected. 

While I left the courthouse unsure if the judge would rule in my favor, I felt confident that I had done my best to represent myself. And as I lay in bed tonight going over a barely existent budget, looking for a job, and recalling the day's events, I realized I am broke as f*%k but being fired, again, didn't break me. It has made me more determined to find something I love or at least like, rather than working at a big company just so I can say I have a "real job." At almost 26, I probably should know what direction I want my life to take but I have no clue. Money isn't everything and I'm glad I've finally realized it. 

XO, Alli

P.S. That family Christmas letter I mentioned? Each year my dad writes a funny newsletter about the family, including the good, the bad, and especially the ugly and sends it to all of our friends and family for their holiday enjoyment. Occasionally, when Dad is taking too long to write it (usually after Christmas), Mom tells us, the kids, to write our own paragraph. I found my 2013 rough draft a couple weeks ago and decided to start 2015. Rough draft below...